Guilt part 3 of series
by Ally K
Summary: Sam feels guilty for still loving Jack and doesn’t know what to do…


TITLE: Guilt (part 3 of series)  
  
AUTHOR: Ally K  
  
EMAIL: sunshine_slayer@hotmail.com  
  
ARCHIVE: heliopolis when its back up and running, website in progress  
  
CATEGORY: POV, S/J, Future  
  
SPOILERS:  
  
SEASON/SEQUEL: Eye of the Storm  
  
RATING: PG  
  
CONTENT WARNINGS:  
  
SUMMARY: Sam feels guilty for still loving Jack and doesn't know what to do.  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story and idea is mine, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: There might be a sequel depending on response. Feedback would really be appreciated; did u love/hate it, any comments would really help.  
  
Guilt  
  
I feel guilty. Feeling guilty, for even seeing him, for contemplating leaving my kids and most of all for still loving him. The guilt washes through me, but it doesn't stop my every thought being about him. I just keep remembering the good times we had together, how excited I felt every time we were in the same room together.  
  
"Mummy" I look up and break from my trance. Mark is gazing up at me with his adorable blue eyes.  
  
"Can't you sleep?" I motion for him to come over after he nods sadly to my question. I put him on my lap and pull him close.  
  
He snuggles into my top and I just watch him while his eyes start to droop. "I'll put you back into bed" I tell him.  
  
"Can you stay till I fall asleep?" he asks sweetly and I kiss him on the cheek.  
  
"Of course I will" I lay him back on the bed and he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.  
  
I gaze at him while I sit on the bed, stroking his hair off his face. I know that staying with Toby is best for Mark and Abby but it doesn't stop the way I feel inside. The selfish need to have what I once had. I know that my children should come first and the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt them but. I love Jack...  
  
I wake up, as I feel someone shake my shoulder and am startled that I had never left Mark's room  
  
"Sam" I hear and turn round.  
  
"Hey" it's Toby and I don't know how to act round him. The uncomfortable feeling returns again and more so when he lightly kisses my cheek.  
  
"Morning, I didn't hear you come in last night".  
  
After I had seen Jack I had walked around for an hour to clear my head, in attempt to come to up with some decision but of course there was no easy choice. There never is.  
  
"We lost track of the time" I half-lie. I did loose track of time but * we * didn't.  
  
"I'll see you later, I have lots of patients coming in" he kisses my cheek again and I force a smile.  
  
"See you about six".  
  
My perfect husband. He leaves to go to his own doctor's practice; he has probably never contemplated kissing another women, let alone leaving me. He occasionally goes out with his respectable friends and rarely comes in drunk. He has never smoked and his parents are incredibly kind. I can find not a single fault and most women would kill to marry a man like him. He's perfect but he just doesn't.. excite me I guess. I'm never desperate to see him again and never, not even when we first met, has he made me have butterflies in my stomach.  
  
I jump as the phone rings.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
My heart skips a beat. It's Jack.  
  
"Yes".  
  
"I need to see you, I can't let us leave it like that," he tells me; I can hear the desperation in his voice.  
  
I know I shouldn't say yes. It's so wrong but I can't help myself. I just can't get him out of my head. Maybe it'll help to see him, I think as I try to convince myself.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Ok, when?"  
  
I can hear him breathe a heavy sigh of relief down the phone. "The park in an hour?"  
  
"Ok, see you then" I hang up the phone.  
  
"Who was that Mummy?" I turn round and see Abby. I hope she can't sense the guilt but then again, she is very intelligent for her age.  
  
"Just an old friend".  
  
At first I don't think I've convinced her but then she just picks up the cereal packet and pours it out. "Can we go to the cinema tonight?" she questions innocently. She's been asking for weeks and maybe she's just taken advantage of my remorse but I agree.  
  
"Ok, but we have to go straight from school, otherwise we'll never get back for Dad." As I say it, I almost forget Jack. It just seems like an ordinary day. She beams at me. "Can you go and wake up your brother?"  
  
She rolls her eyes but goes anyway. Twenty or so minutes later I finally get them out of the house. As Abby couldn't find her pencil case and Mark insists on having cheese sandwiches, as he doesn't like ham anymore!  
  
I kiss them quickly on the cheeks as I leave them at the school door. Mark is being very clingy. I wonder whether he can sense it? I look at my watch and realise I'm late. Only when I get to the park do I start to reconsider. Too late now I decide, as I see him waving at me.  
  
"I was worried you'd might not come".  
  
"I shouldn't be here," I tell him but as I look at him, all I want, is to be in his arms.  
  
"I know you said that its over" I try to cut in but he stops me. "But you said you still love me and I can't let that go".  
  
"Jack." suddenly I feel his lips on mine and I'm kissing passionately back. My senses return and I step back. I instinctively put out my hand to my lips and we both just stare.  
  
I shake my head, as I feel desperate for more. The kiss was explosive, as if there is an almost chemical reaction between us.  
  
"I love you" he moves towards me and I'm helpless to resists his constant kisses.  
  
"I love you too," I tell him as we part for a few seconds. I know now I can never let him go. I want to be with him and I can't live a lie.  
  
"Do you forgive me?"  
  
I stop for a second and part. I decisively know that a part of me will never forgive the heartache he caused me, but nothing matters, except being with him. "I want to be with you," I tell him, deliberately not answering his question but he doesn't seem to mind as he moves in for another mind- blowing kiss.  
  
"What about your kids?"  
  
I stop and the guilt floods back through me, but now I know that I can't be with Toby anymore, it wouldn't be fair. Not that this is fair on anyone.  
  
"I don't know" I let him put his strong arms around me, as I wonder what the future will hold?  
  
tbc 


End file.
